I really should be putting away laundry.

As I sit in bed with my cup of tea, trying to focus on writing a captivating blog so possibly someone other than my mom reads it, I can't stop thinking of the pile of laundry sitting in the other room. My thought process: the laundry needs to be put away, if you do it you will feel accomplished and ready for the week. The laundry pile is so catastrophic, I don't have the equipment to tear down the mountain. I should have put away the laundry yesterday. Jack could use the pile for a fort. I haven't put away the laundry yet, I'm a failure... For me it all ends with being a failure, and after realizing what a complete fuck-up I am, it makes motivation to actually accomplish the task at hand nearly impossible.

I just spilt tea down my sweatshirt.. looks like that laundry pile is growing.

So now that I have fully discovered that I am a failure, and a messy one at that, now what? Choice one: pity party, there is a bar of dark chocolate to my right and the remote to turn on Netflix to my left. Choice two: change my wet sweatshirt, put on an episode of The Office and jump head first into my pile of laundry. For some the 'right' choice might seem obvious, 'go put away your fucking laundry and learn to write a more interesting blog while you're at it'. Yet for me, I'm still here, feeling like a complete and utter waste of life because I have clean clothes. I'm a fairly intelligent person, and logically I know that the fact that I have procrastinated a chore doesn't sentence me to death, but for me, it feels like it does.

I often struggle with thinking traps like the great laundry debate of 2019. My thinking gets trapped in what is called the "emotion" part of my brain and logical thought and reasoning doesn't come easy. It isn't something that I choose to do, believe me feeling like I should go jump off a bridge because the laundry is getting wrinkled as we speak isn't the most fun. Some days the pain of feeling like a failure is overwhelming. I want so badly to do everything right, to get everything done, to be perfect, to make a difference, to show the people in my life how much I care for them, but yet I am still here, laying in bed (though luckily my sweatshirt is starting to dry). The overwhelming failure thoughts get to the point where they feel like physical pain. Unless you have experienced this, I'm not sure I will be able to do it justice in describing it as it isn't a sort of twinge or ache, it is more of an overwhelming sense of needing to escape yourself but at the same time you are trapped in your own skin.

So now I am faced with a decision and it isn't easy and I would much rather curl up under my overstuffed comforter and hide from the world. Instead, I feel the pain of what I am experiencing and acknowledge it , breathe, forgive myself for not doing the laundry earlier, eat the damn chocolate, put away the clothes and celebrate accomplishing something.

Even the small victories are still victories.

~Mia