My biggest regret in life has been teaching Jack how to give wet willies

Someday I hope to write a novel filled with insightful views on life from the wisdom I've acquired throughout my worldly existence. Seeing as I'm still living in my parent's basement, I'll settle with a short blog on wet willies.

When you have a baby, you are bombarded with advice on how best to raise your child.  Do you let them fall to sleep naturally, or have them cry it out? Let them build their immune system with a few pesticides or only shop at Whole Foods? Free-range parenting vs. helicopter moms and dads. Not to mention the constant debate regarding how many books to read your child to adequately prepare them for their master's degree. Through all the advise that I smiled and nodded my way through, no one ever thought to tell me about the dangers of teaching your future Ivy League graduate the proper wet willy technique.

A few months ago, I thought that I would win some cool mom points and teach Jack a childhood survival skill that helped me defend myself on several occasions against my bigger, and much more flatulent brother. So I did it. I licked my finger, stuck it in his ear, and laughter ensued. My self-esteem raised a solid three points, as I bathed in my newfound existence as a cool mom. Sadly, three seconds later, I had a tiny toddler finger massaging a loogie in my ear canal. Later on that night, I was snuggling Jack, enjoying a sweet mother-son moment when suddenly drool was dripping from my left ear down the side of my face.

For all of you parents out there, we are all going to fuck-up at some point. There is no right way to parent, no rule book, no sure-fire set of directions to raise a kind, productive member of society. Here's my parenting advise: when all of these good-hearted people in the world feel the need to tell you how to raise your child; smile, nod and think about the latest Netflix show you are currently binging. Just know that if you do decide to teach your offspring how to give a wet willy, you will be living in constant fear for the duration of your existence.