What if...

What if I never transferred from children’s mental health to child protection, would you still be here? What if I would have texted you more often, would you still be here? What if I would have taken you out for one more coffee, would you still be here? What if we could have had one more car ride together, singing along to the radio and talking about life, would you still be here? What if I would have ignored the rules and given you all the hugs I so badly wanted to give you as I sat with you while you cried, would you still be here?

This was not my first client loss, but it was the hardest. Waking up today to a message from a parent informing me of the loss of their child by suicide, while simultaneously thanking me for the work that I do, will forever change me. Generally, as a case manager, I would see a client once a month, not with this one. I spent many afternoons picking them up from school and sneaking the quick cup of coffee before dropping them off at home. Though I never told them, our stories had many similar chapters that helped me to be able to feel with them as they opened up about their past trauma and feelings of being different and damaged because of their past. The two of us clicked from the start; I was able to see them beyond their symptoms, and they laughed at my corny jokes, it was a match made in heaven. My client fought every day to keep that smile on their face, and man, what a smile it was.  They were, and always will be brave, strong, and incredibly loved.

There are a forever worth’s of “what if’s”, but none of them will bring back the smile I so long to see. We can waste away wondering how we could have shown up differently, loved better, or said that one thing that could have made them stay, but I do not have enough tears in my body for a forever of regret, even if I wish I could.

I choose to instead ask myself, “what now?”. How can I honor their life? How can I live a life where the question “what if…?” never crosses my mind because I know that I have loved well? How can I create a difference for youth struggling with mental health, so I never again have to read those words from another parent?

Today is Thanksgiving and I am incredibly thankful for each moment I was able to spend with my client, and I am a better person for having them in my life.